The spring semester of my junior year I was spiritually lost--someone who identified as Christian but not living out what I believed. That semester I unintentionally cut myself off from my church and my InterVarsity community and ended up doing a lot of things I now regret. Ever since I had what I would consider my "born again" experience during the summer before my senior year, I've always felt like I owed God for straying. That had been my first experience "being bad" in not recognizing that what I was doing was wrong nor trying to be better, and I felt like I needed to redeem myself in God's eyes.
Enter my Fall Conference experience, where I felt like God was clearly telling me to continue working with InterVarsity after I graduate. I've always been about having a plan and setting goals, and now I think I blinded myself to other options and filled in a lot of the details--specifically that God wanted me to go on staff full-time with IV. I was so convinced that I declared my intentions to do full-time ministry in front of my whole fellowship at the conference, came back and told all my friends (many of whom looked at me like I was crazy), and tried to explain my intentions to my shocked mother over five hours worth of phone conversations.
I remember I was told frequently how important the discernment process is in having true conviction that you're being true to God's will. I also remember initially I didn't take the discernment process seriously--because after all, I "already knew" what God wanted me to do. Eventually, I realized that the discernment process is important because if God had truly convicted me of going on staff, I would be seeing signs of confirmation and continue to feel convicted. To my surprise, neither of those things happened, though I completed the application that ended up being 23 pages long and going through the interview process. I thought that my feelings of insecurity about taking the position were actually from spiritual opposition, when in part God was using that lack of conviction because He had another plan in mind.
Enter the alternative spring break trip that my IV chapter coordinates every year. For my third year, we had a partnership in Tampa, FL. This partnership was with Tampa Underground, a faith-based nonprofit that helps underserved groups in the community. Tampa Underground is comprised of a number of what they call "microchurches," or different subgroups that help a specific underserved community. During one of our first days there, we had a panel event with the founders of two of these microchurches, George of The Timothy Initiative and Keisha of Created. During a period of Q&A, I asked the question, "How do you think doing full-time ministry has changed you spiritually?"
George's answer included clearing up a misconception of ministry: "People think that doing full-time ministry will mean that God will somehow love you more. But He can't because he already loves us unconditionally, no matter what we do." This resonated with me because when I recommitted myself to following Christ, I felt a lot of guilt for my sinfulness and that I had fallen away from God in the first place. I felt like I had to redeem myself with a grand gesture and prove my faithfulness--but God already knew my heart. I always saw full-time ministry as the most noble action you could take for God, but as they both pointed out, we are called to ministry no matter where we are.
Keisha's answer was actually about InterVarsity: "In my senior year of college, my IV staff wanted me to come on staff, but I said no. And it was because I was scared. The Keisha then said no but the Keisha then made me into the person I am now, who would have said yes and is saying yes in my current ministry. Go where God calls you." I realized that God works counterintuitively to my understanding of what is best. God may not call someone to full-time ministry for His own reasons--maybe they aren't ready or maybe He wants them serving elsewhere. I remembered talking to my friend Ian about being afraid of making the wrong decision, and he told me that since I was actively in the discernment process, whatever I ended up choosing would be the same decision God would make for me.
I posed the question to the panel expecting to get a straightforward answer, but instead, it was like God was speaking directly to me through them. I had goosebumps, shivers down my spine, tears in my eyes, and even a friend sitting in front who knew my situation turned around and gave me a pointed look...After so long of praying that I wished God would just tell me what He wanted from me, I heard God speaking to me. And it was awesome.
Everything came full-circle with this spring break trip because the week before I had been offered a job that I thought was impossible to get. Over 300 people sent in their resumes, and I was one of the final 10 to whom they offered the position. I share this part not because of my own ability, but because without God's help finding me my past two summers of internship experience and His blessings at school and during the interview process, I would have been lucky to even get past the initial screening.
The highlight of this story is that the job is in Hartford, which means it is still possible for me to volunteer with UConn's InterVarsity chapter, and I am able to honor what I heard from God during Fall Conference about "bearing fruit" with IV. After this half-year of discernment and spiritual formation, I'm finally convicted that my will is aligned with God's. He does hear and answer my prayers, and I have to be faithful and set aside my pride and my misconceptions about how He works in my life. I'm excited to continue giving it all to God, trusting that He'll make something beautiful out of me.
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