The spring semester of my junior year I was spiritually lost--someone who identified as Christian but not living out what I believed. That semester I unintentionally cut myself off from my church and my InterVarsity community and ended up doing a lot of things I now regret. Ever since I had what I would consider my "born again" experience during the summer before my senior year, I've always felt like I owed God for straying. That had been my first experience "being bad" in not recognizing that what I was doing was wrong nor trying to be better, and I felt like I needed to redeem myself in God's eyes.
Enter my Fall Conference experience, where I felt like God was clearly telling me to continue working with InterVarsity after I graduate. I've always been about having a plan and setting goals, and now I think I blinded myself to other options and filled in a lot of the details--specifically that God wanted me to go on staff full-time with IV. I was so convinced that I declared my intentions to do full-time ministry in front of my whole fellowship at the conference, came back and told all my friends (many of whom looked at me like I was crazy), and tried to explain my intentions to my shocked mother over five hours worth of phone conversations.
I remember I was told frequently how important the discernment process is in having true conviction that you're being true to God's will. I also remember initially I didn't take the discernment process seriously--because after all, I "already knew" what God wanted me to do. Eventually, I realized that the discernment process is important because if God had truly convicted me of going on staff, I would be seeing signs of confirmation and continue to feel convicted. To my surprise, neither of those things happened, though I completed the application that ended up being 23 pages long and going through the interview process. I thought that my feelings of insecurity about taking the position were actually from spiritual opposition, when in part God was using that lack of conviction because He had another plan in mind.
Enter the alternative spring break trip that my IV chapter coordinates every year. For my third year, we had a partnership in Tampa, FL. This partnership was with Tampa Underground, a faith-based nonprofit that helps underserved groups in the community. Tampa Underground is comprised of a number of what they call "microchurches," or different subgroups that help a specific underserved community. During one of our first days there, we had a panel event with the founders of two of these microchurches, George of The Timothy Initiative and Keisha of Created. During a period of Q&A, I asked the question, "How do you think doing full-time ministry has changed you spiritually?"
George's answer included clearing up a misconception of ministry: "People think that doing full-time ministry will mean that God will somehow love you more. But He can't because he already loves us unconditionally, no matter what we do." This resonated with me because when I recommitted myself to following Christ, I felt a lot of guilt for my sinfulness and that I had fallen away from God in the first place. I felt like I had to redeem myself with a grand gesture and prove my faithfulness--but God already knew my heart. I always saw full-time ministry as the most noble action you could take for God, but as they both pointed out, we are called to ministry no matter where we are.
Keisha's answer was actually about InterVarsity: "In my senior year of college, my IV staff wanted me to come on staff, but I said no. And it was because I was scared. The Keisha then said no but the Keisha then made me into the person I am now, who would have said yes and is saying yes in my current ministry. Go where God calls you." I realized that God works counterintuitively to my understanding of what is best. God may not call someone to full-time ministry for His own reasons--maybe they aren't ready or maybe He wants them serving elsewhere. I remembered talking to my friend Ian about being afraid of making the wrong decision, and he told me that since I was actively in the discernment process, whatever I ended up choosing would be the same decision God would make for me.
I posed the question to the panel expecting to get a straightforward answer, but instead, it was like God was speaking directly to me through them. I had goosebumps, shivers down my spine, tears in my eyes, and even a friend sitting in front who knew my situation turned around and gave me a pointed look...After so long of praying that I wished God would just tell me what He wanted from me, I heard God speaking to me. And it was awesome.
Everything came full-circle with this spring break trip because the week before I had been offered a job that I thought was impossible to get. Over 300 people sent in their resumes, and I was one of the final 10 to whom they offered the position. I share this part not because of my own ability, but because without God's help finding me my past two summers of internship experience and His blessings at school and during the interview process, I would have been lucky to even get past the initial screening.
The highlight of this story is that the job is in Hartford, which means it is still possible for me to volunteer with UConn's InterVarsity chapter, and I am able to honor what I heard from God during Fall Conference about "bearing fruit" with IV. After this half-year of discernment and spiritual formation, I'm finally convicted that my will is aligned with God's. He does hear and answer my prayers, and I have to be faithful and set aside my pride and my misconceptions about how He works in my life. I'm excited to continue giving it all to God, trusting that He'll make something beautiful out of me.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Saturday, November 10, 2012
setting a fire and bearing fruit
I thought I had the rest of my life figured out...but little did I know, God had different plans.
InterVarsity, my campus Christian fellowship, sponsored a fall conference last week for college students attending Connecticut schools. We spent two hours on a "retreat of silence," where we ceased interaction with other people and spent that time devoted to praying and reading Scripture. During that time, I randomly flipped to a chapter in my Bible--which happened to be John 15--and read about "the vine and the branches."
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." -John 15:1-2
While I was reading this chapter, I seemingly got the random idea in my head about joining ministry. It was strange because I'd always thought of ministry as something that others were called to do, but not a career that was right for me. Of course I quashed the idea; I already had things essentially figured out. But I did pray after I read that passage that God would help me to bear the most fruit wherever I was.
A little while after the retreat of silence was the staff interest meeting that time after time I had opted out of, but in this particular instance I felt moved to attend. And during this session, the person who was leading it said that we should come on-staff with InterVarsity if we wanted to be somewhere where we could "bear the most fruit." Even though chills went down my spine and I immediately thought back to John 15, I was still hesitant about committing and a little confused about why I kept thinking about ministry when it was not an option right now.
Later came the worship session that evening. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened that day, and the more I thought about things, the more afraid I felt. As I was singing, I realized I couldn't stop crying--and I wasn't even sure why. In the midst of all of this, two of my friends came over to pray with me. During the prayer, I felt the most overwhelming fear I had ever felt before, but as soon as the prayer finished, I realized how clearly God was speaking to me. As soon as I accepted His invitation to let my plans go and to take His plans on faith, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and all I felt was relief. This feeling of peace was perfectly described by the next song that was played, "Set a Fire" by Will Reagan & United Pursuit (see bottom of post).
There really isn't another word to describe my decision other than "shocking." For the longest time, I told myself that full-time ministry was not for me. I wouldn't be good at it, there were others who were better suited, but most importantly (subconsciously), it didn't have the reliable paycheck and the job security that I thought I needed. And then I realized how hypocritical I was being. How could I say that I love God and that my life is His if I couldn't even try out full-time ministry for a year? If I genuinely thought that God was asking me to do something for Him, frantically coming up with all the excuses I could just proved how weak my relationship with Him was. And what better guarantee for a paycheck and job security than the support of God?
Of course, I am in no way saying that those who work in corporate do not have honorable professions. After having interned with the same company for two summers, I've had the honor of meeting some of the most successful, likable, and intelligent people. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I could work for that same company again, but I know that I would be doing it for the wrong reasons--at least at this point in my life.
I thought I had my career after graduation figured out. But in the span of a half-day, God turned me in a completely different direction. Of course I will be seeking confirmation in continuing to pray about this, and if this is truly what God is calling me to do, He will give me the right opportunities. I'm excited, not afraid, and happy that God has set a fire in my soul and helped me to realize where I may bear the most fruit. There's no place I would rather be.
Some people would still say that this is an impulsive decision and question how I know full-time ministry is God's calling for me. But a friend of mine once said that God doesn't call you to somewhere you're already headed or something you're already doing. "To call" means "to summon" or "to command to come," and the way the word is used implies a change in the status quo. The nature of how drastically I've been changed--this is the power of Christ in me.
InterVarsity, my campus Christian fellowship, sponsored a fall conference last week for college students attending Connecticut schools. We spent two hours on a "retreat of silence," where we ceased interaction with other people and spent that time devoted to praying and reading Scripture. During that time, I randomly flipped to a chapter in my Bible--which happened to be John 15--and read about "the vine and the branches."
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." -John 15:1-2
While I was reading this chapter, I seemingly got the random idea in my head about joining ministry. It was strange because I'd always thought of ministry as something that others were called to do, but not a career that was right for me. Of course I quashed the idea; I already had things essentially figured out. But I did pray after I read that passage that God would help me to bear the most fruit wherever I was.
A little while after the retreat of silence was the staff interest meeting that time after time I had opted out of, but in this particular instance I felt moved to attend. And during this session, the person who was leading it said that we should come on-staff with InterVarsity if we wanted to be somewhere where we could "bear the most fruit." Even though chills went down my spine and I immediately thought back to John 15, I was still hesitant about committing and a little confused about why I kept thinking about ministry when it was not an option right now.
Later came the worship session that evening. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened that day, and the more I thought about things, the more afraid I felt. As I was singing, I realized I couldn't stop crying--and I wasn't even sure why. In the midst of all of this, two of my friends came over to pray with me. During the prayer, I felt the most overwhelming fear I had ever felt before, but as soon as the prayer finished, I realized how clearly God was speaking to me. As soon as I accepted His invitation to let my plans go and to take His plans on faith, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and all I felt was relief. This feeling of peace was perfectly described by the next song that was played, "Set a Fire" by Will Reagan & United Pursuit (see bottom of post).
There really isn't another word to describe my decision other than "shocking." For the longest time, I told myself that full-time ministry was not for me. I wouldn't be good at it, there were others who were better suited, but most importantly (subconsciously), it didn't have the reliable paycheck and the job security that I thought I needed. And then I realized how hypocritical I was being. How could I say that I love God and that my life is His if I couldn't even try out full-time ministry for a year? If I genuinely thought that God was asking me to do something for Him, frantically coming up with all the excuses I could just proved how weak my relationship with Him was. And what better guarantee for a paycheck and job security than the support of God?
Of course, I am in no way saying that those who work in corporate do not have honorable professions. After having interned with the same company for two summers, I've had the honor of meeting some of the most successful, likable, and intelligent people. From the bottom of my heart, I wish I could work for that same company again, but I know that I would be doing it for the wrong reasons--at least at this point in my life.
I thought I had my career after graduation figured out. But in the span of a half-day, God turned me in a completely different direction. Of course I will be seeking confirmation in continuing to pray about this, and if this is truly what God is calling me to do, He will give me the right opportunities. I'm excited, not afraid, and happy that God has set a fire in my soul and helped me to realize where I may bear the most fruit. There's no place I would rather be.
Some people would still say that this is an impulsive decision and question how I know full-time ministry is God's calling for me. But a friend of mine once said that God doesn't call you to somewhere you're already headed or something you're already doing. "To call" means "to summon" or "to command to come," and the way the word is used implies a change in the status quo. The nature of how drastically I've been changed--this is the power of Christ in me.
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